Today

Death, cliches, and some other emotional bullshit.

Life goes on. That’s what everyone says anyway, even when you feel like it shouldn’t. Even when it feels like the moment you’re stuck in is the only moment you’re allowed to be in forever. Or at least until something equally as tragic happens.

But life goes on, the world keeps turning, etc. etc. It’s a cliche that cliches are cliches for a reason, but hey, I warned you in the title.

I’ve never really dealt with death before. My dog died my senior year of high school, I literally felt her heart stop and it freaked me the fuck out so I just left. I drove to my then-boyfriend’s house and the rest of that memory is blurry.

But now I’m older and people expect things of me. So when my Popa, my dad’s dad, had a brain bleed and we were told it wouldn’t be long, I wanted to bottle it up and drive somewhere that didn’t have the pall of death hanging over it. Is there even such a place?

Instead of feeling anything- related to his death or not, I wanted to just drop my entire life and start a new one. My family, my friends, school, my new jobs, everything. Fuck it all, there are a ton of people in the world, a ton of universities, a ton of job openings. I don’t have to be here to have friends, to go to school, to work.

But then I saw my little sister crying and I knew there wasn’t another her in this world. And then I heard my dad say goodbye to his dad and I knew I wanted to avoid having that same moment with him for as long as possible. And then my mom broke down and I knew I’d have to bring her with me if I left.

I wanted in that moment to take the three of them with me. To move to Colorado to be with my older sister. To pack the pictures and the dog and never look back, because that’s easier. It’s easier to run away than to feel anything.

But what’re the cliches? It catches up with you. You can’t run away forever. Ignoring your problems don’t make them go away.

And now he’s dead. And it’s not even about mourning. It’s about lawyers and wills and family drama and money. Somehow the death of someone they all loved is bringing out the worst in them instead of reminding them how they’re connected. And everyone is spouting cliches about family and love, but then in the next breath complaining about other people and shunning people that aren’t ‘blood relatives,’ as if it even fucking matters. Everyone is assuming they’re right, that they’re feeling the worst, that they’re getting the worst end of the deal.

Death makes everyone start declaring sweeping generalizations about those around them, about life, about how things should or shouldn’t have been. Where did nuance go? Or compassion? It’s like everyone around me is wearing fucking blinders and seeing the smallest parts of something and using that part to define the situation. Fuck, even I’ve been doing it. Isn’t that what the entire paragraph before this is?

I don’t know. What’s the fucking point? I don’t have anything new to say. I don’t have any clarifying statements. I haven’t learned anything, except how to get to the ICU in the Willis Knighton off Youree. I’m a first timer. I’m handling this okay because of beginner’s luck, not because I’m wise or strong or capable or have my shit together.

Psalm 56:3

EJ

Advertisements
Today

Practicing Patience & Understanding

I’ve been thinking about patience a lot today.

It was my first real day at my department store job and I had a GA shift. I’ve also pre-purchased all my film festival tickets so I had a movie scheduled tonight, even though by the time 5:30 rolled around I just wanted to put my feet up and eat something green.

I started my day impatient in the traffic that made me late. I got impatient when I arrived and all the doors were locked- no one had told me anything about a key code when I trained the other week. I was even more impatient when, despite the team I’m a part of having a huge task, no one seemed to know what was going on or how to start. By the time my shift end was minutes away, my patience had nearly vanished when they asked if I could stay longer. I did, for the most selfish reason… $$

I ran home and grabbed my school books (in case I had time for homework), ate, and let my dog out. I was impatient on the drive home, I was rushed when I was home, and I felt impatient in the traffic on the way to my GA shift. You’re seeing how my day was shaping up?

I got to work and had a few clerical things to do before getting back to the research I’ve been working on. I got frustrated and impatient with myself when I couldn’t understand the instructions I was being given and I became even more impatient when I locked a file cabinet I still needed and had to ask for the keys back again.

The computer I have to work on has probably been on that desk for 10+ years and has had a pending update every time I’ve used it the past two weeks. I grow impatient every time I have to do something remotely quickly on that dinosaur, but today was something else!

Finally, I drove to the theater, feeling rushed to get through rush hour traffic and find parking downtown with enough time to pick up my ticket and find a seat. The film was great, quite the respite from my impatient, bustle-y day.

It was during my drive home that I had a little impatient outburst. I was relaxed, driving leisurely- not much traffic at 8 PM, even on Airline. Then, I didn’t turn left at a green light.

I’m notorious for waiting for a green arrow for a left turn instead of zooming during a regular green light. It feels safer to me and I’m always afraid I’ve misjudged the distance. Tonight was no different, it turned green, there were cars coming. Were they pretty far away? I wasn’t sure. But apparently the guy behind me was, because he honked a bunch. It made me jump and press the brake harder. Then the light went yellow, red, and then there was a green arrow.

I was fed up from a long day and annoyed that this jerk had honked at me for wasting less than a minute of his time. So I was petty and made the turn fairly slowly and then quickly reached the speed limit once my turn was complete. He zoomed next to me, glared, and zoomed ahead. I scoffed and continued driving safely without honking or glaring at anyone.

Then the car that had honked and glared turned into Dairy Queen. I scoffed again and muttered to myself, “In that big a rush to get to Dairy Queen? Jack ass.”

I started imagining to myself what I should have done, like waited through the green arrow so he couldn’t turn at all. Or gotten in the other lane and driven steadily next to a car so he couldn’t get ahead of either of us. Then I reminded myself that those behaviors are dangerous and trying to be safe was the whole reason I’d waited for the arrow!

Still I felt a little bitter. Then I thought about all the times I’ve been in a rush to go no where of any particular importance and gotten angry at other drivers. Though I normally reserve honking and glaring for people on their phones or who don’t use their turn signals.

I thought, well maybe he was getting dinner for his family. Or, maybe he’d been on a road trip and was exhausted- just wanted some fried food and ice cream before crashing. Or maybe he had a shit day at work too and just wanted to get his food and go home.

Then I felt bad for turning slowly and realized I wasn’t being very patient or understanding. I don’t think I actively strive to be patient, but I don’t feel apathy toward the virtue. I’m certainly not as patient with my loved ones as I should be, considering their importance in my life, but I always try to give strangers the benefit of the doubt. At least… when I’m in an okay mood.

But then I wonder, are there things you shouldn’t have patience for? Like hate? Bigotry? If you’re impatient and dismissive of those things can you ever learn enough about them to combat them?

I don’t know. I’m just rambling because I still have homework to do and have to be at work at 6 AM and I’m just not big enough to be grateful for that.

EJ♥

Today

It’s not just kids that let their parents down.

So, I’ve never come out and said it here because it’s just ONE part of who I am, but I’m queer as hell.

Okay?

Sorry if that sucks to you, please help yourself to the door.


Anyway, there’s this Gay & Lesbian film festival in town and I am SO excited.
A lot of the films have panels after to help educate the community and there’s even a “girl’s night” event with a special cocktail for one of the movies. It’s also at a theater that my family loves called The Robinson Film Center, there’s a little restaurant attached- my grandparents even had their anniversary party there!

I couldn’t afford the pass though (no paychecks yet), so earlier tonight I asked my parents if they’d help me pay for it and if they’d like to go to one or two of the movies with me.

My dad: “I don’t go to movies.”

WHAT? I get you don’t go to, like, the Regal theater because of your hearing (Army Vet probs), but you’ve taken me to the Robinson before. But… wait… that was for a Shakespeare remake, starring straight white guys… I think I see the problem.

Whatever. I got pissed and went for a walk.

Been holed-up in my room since I got back, but my mom knocked and wanted to figure out the money thing- she still wanted to help me pay for my pass. Then she asked what movies were showing. I sent her the link, bought my tickets, waited while she took a work call, etc.

In that short time, I managed to get excited about taking her to something that she never would have gone to had I never come out to her. I hoped she’d want to go to the movie with the “girl’s night” stuff, or one with a panel. I was excited for her to learn more about my community and about the shit it’s gone through while she was completely unaware and unknowingly reveling in her straight privilege. I got excited.

When she finished her work call, I went to ask which one she’d like to see and to figure out the tickets. She said none of them really interested her.

She said she didn’t know all the movies would be about …. and then she said she couldn’t think of the “right” word.

She said, “I thought they’d be movies made by LGBT people, with some about…”

“Straight people?”

“I just thought there’d be a mixture.”


Like what the fuck, mom. If you wanted to see straight people being stupid and romantic just go to a regular theater. Or turn on the fucking TV.

See, this is why I wanted them to come to at least one movie during this festival. They don’t even know how to talk with me about this stuff. And they hardly ever try. They just ignore it or get all proud of themselves when they say “wife or husband” when talking about the future of someone whose sexuality they don’t know.

They could really learn something and improve our relationship.

But I’m like 99% sure they wish I were straight.

Fuck that.

Today

First Days & Frustrations

Hello friends!

As I shared in my earlier post The One With All The Good NewsI recently got hired at two new jobs and possibly a third!

There’s no update on the tutoring job yet, we’re trying to schedule a Skype interview, but given how long it’s taking, it’s not looking good. Not too worried though.

Yesterday was my first day at my university and earlier today was training for my department store job! Everything went very well at both, although there wasn’t much for me to do at either in the way of doing actual work. At school I just had a little tour and then did some homework, given that it’s the beginning of a new semester there isn’t much for me to yet. Haha. At the store I filled out a lot of paperwork, went through some training, and was introduced to management. I’m excited to start for real at both!

Along with starting work, yesterday was the first day of school! I’m in an accelerated program meaning my semesters are only 7 weeks long and ‘full time’ on this format is only two courses. I’m only enrolled in one this semester and next because they’re the only courses I need that are offered! So I spent yesterday and part of today doing homework to get ahead.

School is where my frustrations are coming from today. Most every student knows the first few classes are about getting the lay of the course, introducing yourself to the class, reading the syllabus, and other similar ‘intro’ activities. In an online course this means posting an ‘about me’ forum and sometimes a syllabus quiz.

Easy enough, right?

YOU’D THINK SO, but this professor is one of the most confusing, least consistent educators I’ve ever had the displeasure of trying to learn from.

In the ‘about me’ forum, we were asked questions about ourselves, our work, our volunteering, what we’re looking forward to learning, and some specific ones about the coursework. I’m a decent student, so I answered all the questions completely and succinctly in my own little voice.

I log-in today and the only comment on my post is from my professor. She replied to my intro post with the same questions that were in the instructions, but with my name as a sentence starter like she was addressing a letter to me. I reread it three or four times to make sure- they were the EXACT same questions.

Like… what?

Now, y’all don’t know, but this professor and I have a history. I took this same class back in May. I struggled and ended up failing (“my first non-A in grad school,” my pride shouts from somewhere in the back). While of course any failure is the fault of the student, I refuse to take 100% of the responsibility (I’ll take like 70%). This prof definitely contributed by taking over a week to respond (IT’S A SEVEN WEEK COURSE) to my emails asking for help and by only replying to the first and last few sentences of every email despite paragraphs of detailed questions covering the material (BUT I’M NOT BITTER AT ALL OR ANYTHING).

So, I’m thinking about all the shit I’ve gone through with this woman in the past and I’m getting so stressed. Is this how the whole semester is going to be? Is my every move going to be second guessed and put under a microscope because I’m the loser that failed? I can’t fucking take that, y’all.


Anyway, sorry to rant and complain like someone who isn’t in control of her life. I’m feeling really anxious about this course and knew I had to vent a bit about this early frustration before I could get back to my homework. Phew.

I’ll be back later this week with another draft from back in April (the one I mentioned in the other post, but haven’t actually posted yet, lol).

Y’all have a good one,

EJ♥

Today

The One With All The Good News

Y’all, what a weekend it has been!! I feel overworked, overstimulated, and exhausted, but I only have good news!

Lately.

I have been looking for a job for awhile, I wanted something low stress and part time so I wouldn’t be too pressed while in school. I’ll admit it wasn’t a priority, but over the summer while I wasn’t in class, I really stepped into gear. I was online most days filling out applications, making calls, searching openings, editing my resume. Or I was out at job fairs or filling out applications. I was repeatedly turned down or just never contacted. It is not a pleasant feeling.

Occasionally, I’d give up hope and just distract myself with loads of housework or Netflix binges. Some days I would look up get-rich-quick schemes and half convince myself that I could cheat the system and actually get rich quick. Hell, one day I even half considered replying to a Craigslist ad for a nude housekeeper. It’s been a hard summer, okay?

Ya Girl’s a GA!

So, one of the many online applications I put in over the past few months was for a graduate assistantship in the Fall of 2017 at my university. I figured my history with the department, specifically the department head, would immediately put me out of the running. When I didn’t hear anything back the following two weeks, I figured they’d ‘gone a different way’ or something equally cliche. However, I was emailing the department head about something else and asked at the end if there were any updates on the GA position. And when she replied to say she wanted to meet with me about it, you could have knocked me over with a feather!

The interview was this past Friday and even though we were both late (I got lost!) and I was sweating like the devil in church, things went great! We filled out the paperwork then and there and she said to wait for an email to finish the process. I start the 28th!! The hours are really limited, but it’s something!!

Holiday Hiring Event.

Before the news of the interview at LSUS, my mom brought home a flier from a local department store about a holiday hiring event they were having on the 19th to bulk up their staff for the coming busy season. While I feel SUPER ICK working for a company that sells clothes that were probably made by children or disadvantage populations in countries without labor laws or safe work environments, I decided I’d try anyway as long as I wasn’t working in sales. (I know, I’m a fucking sell-out, and I’ve already resolved to donate a percentage of my paycheck to stopchildlabor.org ok? I feel like shit, but until I find something more fitting to my morals that pays enough to start saving for an adult life, I’m a little bit stuck.)

The interview process went very well and while I still need to verify with the HR department the hours I’ll be able to work before the position is truly mine, I’m marking it down as a success!! I’ll be working back of house, unloading trucks and setting displays. At least that’s what I’m told. I really don’t think I’d be able to stomach working front of house, selling people clothes made by people who probably couldn’t afford them if they saved for ten years, because their country doesn’t have wage laws. Anyway, it’s sort of good news and it’s only a seasonal/ part time position anyway.

UpWork.

Recently, a travel YouTuber I follow put out a video on how to make money online. Now, I don’t follow Amanda Round the Globe for her financial advice (I prefer her travel tips), but I watched the video because at least I could pretend it was for a job search instead of procrastination. In her video she mentioned a site called UpWork. It was something I had never heard of and it didn’t sound too sketchy so I went to the site, read their about and ‘how it works.’ Decided to sign up!

UpWork is basically a better functioning, less ‘nude housekeeper,’ Craigslist Help Wanted section. Clients post jobs, short or long term, entry level to expert, and freelancers send in proposals and are interviewed. So far I’ve been putting in a ton of proposals, mostly for jobs that take about a week or less to complete. Haven’t heard back except from one or two people, no payments YET. However, I was invited to interview for a position tutoring Chinese students as they learn English. The best thing about it being that the position lasts anywhere from one to three months! It’s hourly and there are up to thirty hours of work available a week. I’m optimistic even though I can’t say I’ve been hired. It just felt good to get the invitation!

I find anything in the education field generally admirable and I think being chosen to help out with this tutoring thing would off set the guilt I feel about the store job, as well as boost my self worth. Because, you know, something cheesy about how it’s not about the money, money, money and I just want to make the world dance or whatever.

(Funny story, once I was stuck at an airport and the restaurant right next to my gate had an electronic ad with speakers outside their door that played about 15 seconds of that song with about 10 seconds of dialogue on a loop. A few of us made eye contact about the fourth time it played and kind of laughed, but half an hour later we were ripping our hair out, and by the time we got on the plane some of us were humming it and then violently shaking our heads and groaning. It brought us together. True story.)

Looking forward.

Now that I’m hired somewhere and possibly two other places, I just need to stay motivated and take my own advice about keeping a schedule and shit. With school starting and now work, I’ve really got to cut down on the b.s. and stay in control. I’m nervous about it, but excited to start saving more significantly- though let’s be honest I’m going to blow it all on visiting friends, Costa Rica, a wedding (not mine!), and travel before I have enough to put aside for rent somewhere. Whatever, as long as I’m traveling, right?

Wish me luck, friends!

EJ♥

Today

Tackling my messy desk

Afternoon friends,

It’s been a lazy morning thus far: slept in, watched some Smallville over breakfast and then watched some more without my breakfast. Haha.

Past few days I’ve been concentrating on helping my parent’s spring clean, job searching, and starting blog drafts of ideas I’ve been having (Coming Soon! haha).

Because I’ve been distracted, I’ve let the surfaces in my bedroom become catch-alls and things have gotten pretty cluttered- especially my desk/ work space. Today the goal is to declutter, organize, and take care of things that are there to ‘deal with later.’ No use putting them off anymore!

Here’s a before picture:2017-08-15 12.28.49.jpg

I’ll come back later to post the ‘after’ photo!

Update (about 3 hrs. later):
Hello again!

I really took care of stuff instead of just putting things away to deal with later so the space looked clean. I redid and went through all my files and ended up with a stack of recycling (I had the warranty information from a Dell laptop I don’t even own anymore!) and more room to store the files I actually need.

2017-08-15-15-13-35.jpg
Not sure why I tested the pencils…

I also tested all the writing utensils on my desk because I knew some didn’t work, which is why the word ‘works’ is now written 20+ times in my sketch book. To scale down the clutter I also put away the duplicates and extra office supplies I had, there’s no reason I needed five or six highlighters and a box of extra staples out on my desk.

Hell, I even plugged my printer in for the first time since moving back! I’ve been using the one in my parents’ office instead and allowing mine to just collect dust.

So here it is, the after the photo:

2017-08-15 15.05.00.jpg

I mean, it wouldn’t be featured on a fancy website or magazine, but it feels like I can use it again!!

Anyway, I’m going to go shred a bunch of old documents now, enjoy this post!

EJ♥

Today

Mini Changes, Massive Pay Off

Afternoon friends!

I would have been posting earlier today, but my laptop needed updating and it took waaaay longer than I expected!

So the past two days I’ve been a bit lazy and ill, BUT the week before that I managed to get myself on a not-nocturnal schedule and was being super productive!

I wanted to share the things I started doing in those days to boost my productivity and keep myself feeling proud and motivated to keep going, instead of curling up in front of Smallville (because I finished Gotham Monday, haha) all day and night.

1. All the advice you’ve ever heard before.

“Oh, thanks.”

I know, I know, I’m a revolutionary full of new ideas.

Seriously though, most of what I’ve done the past few days are implementations of things everyone tells you will change your life for the better like eating three meals a day, drinking lots of water, sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night, not sitting for extended periods of time. And those are four of the things I’ve started doing that have made me feel a hell of a lot better.

I was in the worst habit of eating one meal a day and snacking on popcorn or sweets when I was hungry the rest of the day. It was shitty, I’d have sugar crashes and always felt hungry, so I started forcing myself to eat three meals a day. A huge breakfast, a moderate lunch, and whatever my parents were having for dinner.

I also started drinking a bottle of water (from a reusable bottle, of course) with every meal and trying to do the same between every meal as well. This kept me needing to pee every hour or so which made it hard to nap, meaning I was ready for bed at like 8 PM. Lol.

As for staying active, since I was waking up early I started walking my dog first thing in the morning and again about an hour before bed. Now she’s gotten used to it and has basically become my alarm clock! I also started playing music almost constantly, in the shower, while I cook, and clean. I put on music I know I’ll dance to, it gets my heart rate up and helps me get my steps in during the day. It also prevents me from turning on the TV for background noise, slowly getting sucked in, and accidentally watching two hours of cartoons.

2. Making my bed.

My mother would be so proud I’m recommending making your bed every day as something to help you stay motivated. It helps me in two ways: prevents procrastination/ naps, and creates a space ready for work. Surely, I’m not the only person that procrastinates with cleaning? I used to do it a lot in college, a few days before a big test or project due date is the time our apartment would be deep cleaned and I’d do all my laundry. I’m still doing the same shit in grad school, except the house is bigger. Making my bed every morning makes my room look cleaner and makes me feel like I can sit at my desk to work without being tempted to nap or randomly stripping the bed to wash my sheets.

3. Keeping a schedule/ a to do list

Like my first blog post, I’ve been making a to-do list everyday and doing my best to accomplish all the tasks. However, my first priority last week was to get on a better sleeping and eating schedule so I could be productive during the daylight hours instead of knocking out my to-do list between midnight and sunrise. To keep myself from remaining nocturnal I created a schedule with all the things I wanted to do in a day. I knew I wanted to walk Sadie twice a day and eat three square meals, I knew I needed lots of internet time for school work, job searches, and side hustles, and I knew that, since I’m still the unemployed one, I’m in charge of the majority of the housework. I scheduled my mornings and evenings accordingly: wake up, walk Sadie, shower, eat, chores, work, eat, work, chores, chill, eat, walk Sadie, shower, and bed. Most of my day is free to do whatever, but my goals for food and exercise are easily reached when sticking to that schedule.

4. Not beating myself up.

It’s such a privilege to be in a situation where finding a job is not life or death and to only have my education to really worry about during the day. Regardless, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the pressure around me to be doing well in school and looking for/ finding work. A lot of the pressure is from my parents, I know they mean well- they’re worried about money for me and for themselves. Most of the pressure is from myself though. I want to be excelling as a student, especially after the stumble I had this past summer. I want to be a professional, but I want to find a job that feeds my passions and challenges me, where I can contribute to my community and the world, but also make good money. I want to be out experiencing my community and the world without worrying about taking too much time off from my studies or (finding) work.

But, you can’t be actively working toward your goals every second you’re breathing. Taking care of yourself by staying in bed when you’re sick or taking a day off from work or school to hang out with someone you love or to clean out your garage can be just as important for achieving. So when I don’t get everything done in a day or I watch an extra episode of Smallville after breakfast instead of doing the dishes, I don’t beat myself up- I reflect on why it happened and remind myself I’m not perfect.

EJ♥