Today

Fresh Start

Here’s the gist of the thing:

In February I got all inspired and excited and wanted to start a blog. I imagined it was going to be this incredible experience of getting my thoughts out and connecting with people over amazing adventures and mundane life stuff and emotional struggles. I pictured meeting kindred spirits on the interwebs and growing up to be invited to their weddings and sending their kids money on their birthdays and getting Snaps of their pets every once in awhile.

I dreamed up this website that reflected all the best parts of me: exercising every day, taking weekend trips, exploring my home town, making smoothies, basically just doing a ton of extremely Instagrammable shit all the time so people would like me.

Turns out, as you can probably guess, I wasn’t just dreaming up an incredible blog, I was creating an ideal self, a version of Emily Jo that doesn’t exist. This EJ is the type of person that never procrastinates or skips class and she does everything she’s ever planned to do and she’s hardworking and she’s never lazy and is incredibly likable.

I’m not her, I haven’t ever been her. I skipped class so much my freshman year I failed two classes and developed a reputation. I work hard, but it’s in-between long phases of procrastination. I have an unreal temper- especially since graduation. I hold grudges and burn bridges in an instant. I don’t like to communicate with those closest to me, hoping they’d either leave me alone or read my mind. I’m really not all that likable.

So why did I want to create this pristine image on the internet?

Lots of reasons really, which I just typed and erased about 20 times hoping for something that didn’t sound pathetic.

The truth is I’ve had a really hard time finding my place since I graduated college. I feel like the rest of my graduating class is working or travelling or studying and becoming the people they were meant to become. But I’m not and it feels really fucking lousy. I tell myself it will get better when I’ve found a job or finished this Master’s program or moved out, but why do I feel like I need to wait? Why can’t I figure it out now?

I don’t know.

 

So it’s been a few months of reflection and learning and feeling shitty about not blogging after being so excited about it and I’m ready to restart! This time without a real plan and without the “ideal” Emily Jo pressuring me to make this something it isn’t.

Wish me luck.

PS: I Googled “gist vs jist” at the start of typing this because I literally had no idea which was correct. Lol.

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